Hack: hope for triggers

So I was trying to do some ERP by looking at old photos and videos of B. And surprisingly it was becoming more and more difficult for me to get triggered! And I realized that part of the reason that I get triggered so easily is because I’m scared of her saying something that willContinue reading “Hack: hope for triggers”

Is it supposed to feel this wrong sometimes?

I just got done with small group with B. And since the moment I got there everything she said seem to shut me down or I feared was going to be something that would shut me down. She got her cute little goddaughter a balloon and an invitation that she couldn’t even open and couldn’tContinue reading “Is it supposed to feel this wrong sometimes?”

Rotten day after proposal

This is really hard. I proposed to B on Saturday. Sunday was disappointing. And today I’m just really unhappy. Is this because the relationship is not right or something? Or is this just living with rOCD? She has been sweet the whole time but she just says stuff that drives me crazy. I prayed thatContinue reading “Rotten day after proposal”

Routine of Good Thoughts

So I felt like God has been growing me to be the type that is in control of my thoughts. Because that will have to be absolutely essential to make this survivable. My friend had told me about how John Gottman says to reprogram your brain by stating 5 good things you like about theContinue reading “Routine of Good Thoughts”

God: I will not take my ring from you

So on that night we repented for crossing sexual boundaries over the past couple of months, B led me through some “spiritual healing.” She had said, I think a lot of your hangups with me have to do with your dad, and your dad’s perspective of your mom (I had told her my mom didn’tContinue reading “God: I will not take my ring from you”


I just wrote about how when I got back together with B I went to a prayer room and it basically convinced me God wanted me to dive in and marry her. Well, fast forward 2 months and things have gotten hard again and I’ve started questioning things again. She just says things that shutContinue reading “Repentance”

Is it supposed to be this hard?

Within half an hour of getting to her house I stepped out of the bathroom and told her, “I just don’t understand why sometimes everything you say from the moment I see you just feels discordant to me.” I just didn’t like the way she told me about her day. The way she presented herContinue reading “Is it supposed to be this hard?”