This is really hard. I proposed to B on Saturday. Sunday was disappointing. And today I’m just really unhappy.
Is this because the relationship is not right or something? Or is this just living with rOCD? She has been sweet the whole time but she just says stuff that drives me crazy.
I prayed that the proposal day would be a good day. And it was great. I guess I did wake up that day with a sinking feeling. What she said sounded dumb, naive and slightly annoying the night before when we were watching a movie. But I was resolved to keep going forward. I went on a run the morning of the proposal and prayed. God reminded me this journey is not as much about the relationship of b and I, but instead God and me. That took off some of the pressure.
We got up and she was beautiful and I liked listening to her talk to my parents. And I got back on track. On the way to the coffee shop where I was planning to propose we played a few of our songs. One of our newer ones is “Burn the Bridges down” by Johnny Swim. It’s about burning the bridges so in this relationship there is no turning back. There is no leaving. It was beautiful. What a crazy, scary adventure we were about to embark on. She just didn’t know it was about to happen in a few minutes.
We had my parents in town for the proposal. And it all went off without a hitch. She thought it was perfect. I designed a drink inspired by her and her ministry, and said it was for valentines day. Each component represented a part of her ministry and at the end she blew away some ashes (that were used to smoke the glass) and the ring was there.
That was Saturday. This morning, Monday, I just feel angry. Hugely disappointed. I use these strong words because it feels like venting a little bit. But overall I’m not hugely disappointed. Just at moments like right now. (I think I’m disappointed a lot at myself). But here’s what got under my skin yesterday and this morning.
This morning she got two things completely wrong in two consecutive sentences. I had tried to please her sexually with my hand that morning and she said, “I’ve noticed that it gets itchy the day after you touch me if it’s too wet.”
“Do you mean too dry?”
“Yeah, too dry,” she said as if she didn’t realize she had ever said the wrong thing.
And then she said, “I’m like a microwave.”
I said impatiently now, “Like an oven you mean?” She was referring to the adage men heat up fast like a microwave, women slow like an oven.
She thought for a second and said, “Oh yeah, an oven.”
She was putting on her face serum routine, which I think is kind of ridiculous to spend that long and that much money on stuff that probably doesn’t help much.
I was making a smoothy and from her room she said her friend had her baby. And she added that her friend got a pedicure last night. She was referring to this old wives tale that women give birth sometimes after they’ve had a pedicure. I looked it up this morning and sure enough, no scientific evidence, though it is something some people claim worked for them.
I just felt angry and disappointed. Why does she have to be thinking about these things? Why is she this way? Why is she so dumb.
Yesterday it was a couple things that I responded poorly to. She said, something that wasn’t necessarily stupid, I can’t remember what now, and I just raised a mean, skeptical eyebrow. And then she read something to me on the back of the ice cream container which said, “Grass fed milk.” I responded impatiently, “Yeah?”
I don’t know why it bugged me so much. It was a valid thing to point out. What other way is there to feed cows? It is kind of interesting.
And yesterday we were showing my parents around my apartment and my dad told a story about skinning a catfish, and how catfish don’t have scales. I had my arms wrapped around B and whispered in her ear, “Woah I didn’t know that!”
She said, “Yeah they have skin!”
She followed that up a moment later with, “I’m impressed with myself that I something that you didn’t!” That was hard for me because my trigger is that I’m afraid she’s not smart enough. That comment just felt like it verified that.
A moment later we were looking at Stereo view glasses that my roommate has and I asked her if she knows what those are for. She said, well it’s obvious you put them up to your face and look through them. I was asking if she knew they were for seeing a picture in 3D. I’m still not sure she picked up on that.
Later that night we were sitting in her car and she was crying. She said, can I tell you something that was difficult for me? You seemed like you were testing me when you asked be about the stereo glasses.
I said, “Yes I was because I want to gain a trust in what you know and what you say. And when you said you were proud you knew something I didn’t it made me really question that.”
She put her head in her hands and cried. She said, “I’m emotionally tired. Can we table this for later? I have so much to do before we can go to bed.”
“Yes, hunny of course.” And I washed a bunch of dishes she needed help with. I prayed and we met in bed. We prayed for help. It was a sweet presence of not needing to say anything. She asked, “Can you just hold me.” I said yes, of course.
I said, “We’re in this. I’m not leaving. We’re burning our bridges down. We’ll figure this out.”
I reached to touch her breasts and said, “These are mine.”
She reached and touched my groin and said, “And this is mine.” We smiled and nodded. We had offered our bodies to each other as being the possession of the other a while ago.
I just had counseling. (I’ve upped the power of my counselor to a new psychologist). He basically said you have to convince yourself that loving someone unconditionally will lead to better outcomes.
We’ll see. I really need help.