First time having sex

So since this is an anonymous blog I can talk about things that most people with an identity attached can’t talk about. So I can tell you about what it was like to have real sex for the full-time first time for two virgins after getting married.

After a week we’ve still struggled to have good sex. In fact today was the first day where I actually came during intercourse. And she still hasn’t reached a full orgasm. It’s a lot harder work than I thought it would be to get her naturally lubricated. We used a couple of different manufactured lubricants but I guess if she’s not really turned on enough to produce her own lubricant she’s not really going to be ready to enjoy penetration/intercourse.

When I finally slowly and very cautiously entered, (as she tenderly pulled my hips into her so it was at her choice) it wasn’t like an immediate pain and then it was over (like we thought would have been caused by stretching the hymen), it was more like trying to shove a hotdog between leather seats. It was just a lot of uncomfortable squeezing and friction on her skin inside.

And I had no idea how difficult and multifaceted and long lead time, and how much of a delicate balance it would be to get her feeling horny and ready to actually want me to penetrate her. We just could not make it happen where she was ready for it and wanted it. We have to be having fun together before hand, she has to hear deep loving words from me, I have to have rubbed her with my finger on her vagina so tenderly and slowly at first until she gets wet but it’s hard to touch her tenderly and slowly because you have to push kind of hard to get past the outer lips and get to the clitoris to touch it. And by that time it’s hard to do it tenderly and it feels like you’re swiping through frictiony skin, not lubricated skin.

And even though I don’t know if all of the elements were done well this afternoon, we made it happen and we both enjoyed it. A large part was using my hand to stimulate her clitoris while my penis was moving in and out inside. But I can’t go too deep! If I do I seem to hit something inside of her that brings her a lot of pain. At first it was the pain of not being lubricated and things just feeling too tight. But I think I’m hitting her cervix. Which we learned is supposed to be harder to do if she’s more turned on. Apparently the vagina area lengthens when she’s turned on so it would be harder to hit the back of it.

All right, you didn’t know you’d get this much transparency did you! But look, you got this far, and aren’t you glad you did! 🙂


We got married!

So she was beautiful at the wedding but I really didn’t like much of what she said or did during The wedding or the reception. During the sermon the things she nodded at or harmed her affirmation to just made me think she barely understood whether meaning behind what was said was or the nuances. Then she was disappointed at the wedding planner for missing some things and just was unhappy for much of the wedding.

But luckily once we left for the honeymoon we had a good time and I basically had nothing that seriously bugged me.

It was super late by the time we left, like 11 PM and we still had an hour and a half to get to the Airbnb cabin. But after driving away for half an hour we got a message saying I had forgotten my suitcase at the venue! So we drove back and finally got to the Airbnb by one in the morning.

For all of you out there who wonder if it will get easier after you say I do, for me it pretty much has.that’s just one week into it but for some reason I seem to have let go of the question do I like her enough. After a day of not enjoying almost anything of what she said it is no longer a question that haunts me to ask is it supposed to be this way? It just is.

And then I move on and we have a really good time. Many times over the honeymoon I recognized that “I am happy.”

And then in those times where we were dealing with her disappointment and her crying about how she thought the wedding went I was OK just to be sad with her.

I did make a mistake that we’re still dealing with. When she described all the things she thought the wedding planner did wrong I sort of let her be sad for a while but when I did speak up hi defended the wedding planner. I didn’t want her to have such a bad perspective of her our wedding which I thought went pretty well! While at the wedding planner make her so sad. But there were several people in her family apparently who were crying after the wedding. She doesn’t know why exactly but I think it had something to do with her family feeling this honored, partly due to the choices or treatment by the wedding planner.

I don’t agree with these response so it’s hard for me to sound like I am sincerely on her side. I think we better corroborate that the wedding coordinator in fact did do something wrong before we make conclusions about it being a bad wedding because of her. Especially because the wedding coordinator lives in the duplex unit right next to us!

But to B it just feels like I’m more on the side of the wedding planner than I am on B’s side. and I understand that.

The good news is these feel like the problems of a normal couple. This isn’t the problems created by a mental disease.


Only 20 minutes brought tons of triggers

Are these ridiculous things to be triggered by?

I show up with Chick-fil-a and kiss her. She says, oh you taste salty. I mumble, “probably the fries.” We sit down and she digs into the bag and sees the chick-fil-A sauce and says, “Oh I bet this is what I tasted.”

I replied, a little frustrated, “That’s sweet. You probably tasted the fries.”

And she replied, “Oh yeah, I guess so.”

She got up to answer a call. And I had to really resist obsessing over it.

Then a moment or two after her call she said she was having troubles with what she was doing online and didn’t know if it’s with her computer’s hardware or something with the other side’s system.

I asked, “Do you mean software or hardware?”

She said, “Yes” and kept talking.

Again, I have to resist asking, do you even know the difference between hardware and software?

And there were a couple other things before I left after 20 minutes. But it’s just tough to hang out with someone and be frustrated with almost every other thing they say.

I look back at it afterwards and think, even though she wasn’t being very correct, specifically speaking, the point of the conversation came across in both cases and that is what matters.

Otherwise she’s really amazing. We’re about 3 weeks until our wedding.

R, 4-13-2021

Starting medication: not a fix all

It’s been two and a half weeks since my personal doctor prescribed Citolopram (Xelexa) which is a typical OCD medication. He said it was fairly harmless, and we could just try it out for 4 weeks.

It gave some interesting side effects (tight feeling in my abdomen and jaw, little bit of dizziness at times, and waking up during sleep) but it seemed to help me avoid the normal pitfalls of rOCD.

I would notice the things that would normally tank me, but with the medication I wouldn’t tank. It was discouraging to dislike what she said, but it didn’t wreck me like it used to. I did have to remind myself not to obsess when B said something that sounded dumb, but overall I was felt optimistic and with a little bit of discomfort, was managing well.

But yesterday we went to get out marriage license and I had a bad day like I used to. I tanked emotionally. As we were walking up to the Probate court (new word for me!) she asked what two forms of ID I brought. I told her my drivers license and passport. And as if she thought it were a rare coincidence, she said, “I brought MY passport too!”

The old patterns started. I could feel my heart drop. My brain started to cloud and I started to stress out. Why did she think it was so rare that I brought what feels like the most likely types of ID were what we both chose? In fact I feel like we had mentioned our passports recently.

Then inside I think she said a couple other little things that reinforced this frustration, though they shouldn’t have. I was in super skeptic mode so that I tested everything she said with a microscopic skepticism. Like, we were looking for the entrance but it was hard because there was a lot of construction so I looked at my map, and turned into a doorway that looked like it was right, but it was the exit. But then five feet later there was a different entrance that was the real entrance. And she said, your instincts were right! I shot back, why do you say that? And she explained, because you thought the doorway was close? (see, super high skepticism, even when she’s just being kind!)

One thing that does stand out is she went to check on if the line was moving. She came back and I asked, “Is it moving?” And she said, “No.” I asked, “Are they letting anyone in?” She said, “Yeah a couple.” And I said, “So the line IS moving!” She said, “Okay, yeah, I guess it is.”

After we got the license and parted ways with a congenial kiss, I reached out later and said, I would like to see you again to see if we can get a reset. She said she was thinking about asking for the same thing. So she picked me up and we went to IKEA a few hours later, which is usually our safe place.

It is becoming not so 😦 On the way I asked how her day was going. She told me a work story about how they give the green light to potential missionaries once enough of them confirm that they’re going on the trips. But some of them call and ask if it’s confirmed yet so they can buy their tickets. But these are the very people they are waiting on to confirm. B said, it’s a catch-22. I started obsessing, that’s not really a catch-22; it’s perfectly solvable. I tried so hard to let go of that but I was disappointed that this is typical B thinking flaws.

Then she came to a corner at which the map seemed obvious it was saying to turn, but she didn’t think it was right. I have also always been frustrated at her lack of mapping skills so this just triggered me too. Don’t you know how to read a map? Then she stopped the car at the driveway entrance that we always go in at IKEA, doing what I thought was hesitating to figure out which fork in the road to take. I said with some frustration, “Hunny, don’t you remember we always go in here?” She later said, she was just reading the sign but I was judgmental on here for forgetting, even though she had sent me a message teasing me to be jealous of her food from a restaurant we liked, and then later I asked if she already ate lunch. She said, how can you be frustrated at me for what you thought was me forgetting something, but you forget stuff too. I replied, it’s not a one-time thing; it’s just a constant barrage of things I hear from you that trigger me, and eventually I break.

She got a phone call on our way to IKEA and she pushed what I thought was the green button, which I thought would answer the call. The call went away like she had declined the call, but I told her, “I think you just answered the call. You pushed the green button.” She said, “I think I hung up. I pushed the green one, or whatever button is on the right.” I said, “Yeah, that’s the one to answer, if I’m not mistaken.” But the call never picked up so I don’t know if the person hung up at exactly the same time, or if, like I then brought up to her, I wonder if when I’m in these moods I can’t think straight.

We walked around IKEA in an all too familiar funk. We were looking at tables for our house and she compared the height two of them by marking how high each came on her thigh. She concluded one was taller, but I tested it myself several times, and read the description three times to see if I could trust her assessment. She was right, but just barely. One description said 23 1/8 and the other was 23 1/2 (the opposite of what our thigh measuremtns were telling us) and I don’t know if she would know which fraction was more, because she has admitted she’s struggled a lot with math. Now looking back I think she’d know, but in that moment, I was really skeptical. It sure seems to me in those moments that REALLY obvious things don’t seem obvious to her.

She had to go on to something from there so I caught an Uber home. But we said, I love you. And I said, I’m sorry I’m like this. I recognize when I get in these moods I become so unhealthily skeptical that in my eyes you can do no right. I’m so sorry.

This first really bad day was about two and a half weeks after I started the drugs. It’s also about the time the side effects of the drug seemed to go away. I did start taking it in the morning instead of evening about this same time (to see if that helps get better sleep) but I don’t think that should have made such a big difference. I also started a 6am workout routine three days a week with some great Christian dudes. So this is probably fluxing my sleeping and body chemicals as well.

All this to say, the medication seemed to take off the edge for two weeks. And I was getting hopeful. But it appears it will not solve every day, and in fact I might go back to having almost as many bad days as good ones. I hope not but we’ll see!

One month to wedding day.

R, 4-9-21

A bad thought gathers other Bad thoughts

A negative thought that leads to a negative attitude is a lot more dangerous than just a negative thought. This is because, at least for me, a negative attitude tends to scan back through other events and remind me of other things and make them negative.

Whether it be angry thoughts, disappointed thoughts, vindictive thoughts, or something else, a negative thought that brings a negative attitude is a lot more dangerous than just a negative thought.

Hack: hope for triggers

So I was trying to do some ERP by looking at old photos and videos of B. And surprisingly it was becoming more and more difficult for me to get triggered! And I realized that part of the reason that I get triggered so easily is because I’m scared of her saying something that will trigger me. But when I went into it with Hope and trying to get triggered, the fear was not there and so the trigger was not as inflammatory.

So how could I convince myself to hope for a trigger? Well if I was using it for a purpose, to practice the ERP and let the anxiety fade, there is a reason to want the trigger. So when I hope for and want a trigger it loses its power that the fear would have given it! I’m still trying this out but maybe this in combination with the other things I’ve learned, it seems could have a big impact!

R, 3/25/21

Getting meds

I had an appointment with my general doctor today and told him about my OCD. He said lets try an SSRI which is used to help solve depression. In face he said when research showed that OCD was helped by the same medication as depression was, they put the ailments in a similar category.

So we’ll see how it makes me feel! I’m a month and a half from my wedding, and I woke up this morning having to stave off the very strong and depressing thought, “Marrying B just feels wrong.”

I was praying about it a lot last night and then again this morning and I got a vision of a story of someone who was being trained by the hard school of life to control his c brain and choose joy when it was hard. And choose love when he didn’t feel it. And who learned to control his thoughts when ADD seemed to destroy his short term memory. And this made him into the type of man that could do things with his mind and will that others couldn’t.

The doctor said there is very little risk of any side effects. He said we just have you try it for a few weeks and if it doesn’t help we stop. If it does work we tweak dosage to g🥰💓maximize effect!

R, 3-22-21

Getting a house

I think I write in here mostly when things get hard. We have had some really good days like when I picked her up from the airport and the few days after. It was fun and I felt peace and we were so close and I was grateful.

But then days come that are difficult and right now I’ve had a string of like four or five dates and it feels like I don’t like her very much and I’m not sure if I love her in terms of “in love.”

She’s dear to me and I want the best for her and we are deeply bonded (which I know because of how much I cried after we broke up the first time) but it doesn’t feel like I’m marrying for love… maybe?

I talked to a friend who knew some people who got divorced after about three years because, my friend said, he didn’t really like her that much, he married her out of duty.

And then the other friend of mine who talked about his own divorce said that the new girl that he’s dating is so much easier to date. My relationship with B is not easy.

We figured out where we going to live and it’s a duplex right next-door to a girl that I think was interested in me a few years ago. I did not show interest but it is a little bit concerning. I’m pretty sure everything‘s OK now but it was a little scary thinking of getting a place where if B was gone and there’s a single girl next-door what that might become. I talked to my roommate about it and someone else and honestly the same thing could happen where ever you get a place, in fact a duplex is probably better than an apartment where there’s lots of people.

I brought it up to be before we went to the place and I told her our history and that I was not interested and she thought that it was OK. It did not concern her. But she said thank you very much for asking because if I did not tell her at the front side it would be concerning when she found out.

We had a really good time today walking through crate and barrel at the mall. We were envisioning what our bed might look like and the different textures of blankets and how to lay out a sofa with pillows it looks nice. I asked if we could speak mostly in Spanish because maybe I wouldn’t be triggered as much and it would keep my brain on good constructive things. And that was really fun. We got a lot of marriage things done today to like nail down the wedding planner and signed a contract with the photographer and the cake maker. We got some decorations for the table setting and found some more info about flowers.

End it feels OK getting all these things checked off the list and being her support as we do it together, but I just feel on these days constantly disappointed. We went to a Mexican market last night and everything she said bothered me from the moment we saw each other. I don’t know what to do about was interesting that in the situation I was sweating profusely and I don’t know why besides I had a sweater and jacket on in this little mall but this is never happened before. She brought up a good point that maybe my mental shut downs are accompanied with her physical elements or may be caused by a physical element like temperature or maybe blood sugar or something.

My roommate is awesome because he’ll be truthful with me. He asked if we could have dinner last night so he could talk to me about something. He said that he really did think that I have OCD and probably ADHD as well. He said but it’s a lot more than just relationship OCD. He thinks that OCD explains a lot of my behaviors of the past 10 years that he’s known me. And especially now that we’re roommates.

He pointed out things that I do differently than other people and he said that OCD and partially the ADHD would explain a lot of why I do what I do.I have reasons for everything that I do and philosophy built behind it. And I just thought that I’d like to do things differently than people because I want to add new things to this world. But I sure hope that he has some accuracy to it because maybe it will lead me to more solutions.

I think that this could be helpful in the way that a person with OCD needs some things to be a certain way, maybe I need my fiancé to say things a certain way but nobody would say things a certain way. And if I have OCD if it varies at all from the way I feel like it should be I get concerned and bummed.

B has moments of insight that help me but other times as I describe things like where we are on a map or very simple logic I am usually or at least often disappointed. I think I assumed the worst of her sometimes because I’m already expecting I’ll be disappointed and maybe half of the things that I get disappointed by shouldn’t disappoint me. But I already have the fear and expectation.B has moments of insight that help me but other times as I describe things like where we are on a map or very simple logic I am usually or at least often disappointed. I think I assumed the worst of her sometimes because I’m already expecting I’ll be disappointed and maybe half of the things that I get disappointed by shouldn’t disappoint me. But I already have the fear and expectation.

I was looking at all of her pictures the other day and so many of them have stains on them from the way that I felt and I can almost remember the things that she said it made it that way. There are a few places where they aren’t solid bye memories. And there’s a lot of fun between those moments but it’s just sad to me that I look back and I see so much pain.

I want to be excited about and love my wife as I begin this process of marrying her. I’ve made a decision and moving forward but it’s so dang hard. If you have our OCD or understand the struggle and have some way to help me please help.

R, 1.5 months away from the wedding

A hack- change the narrative

Okay so for the last couple of hangouts, I’ve tried something that seems to have changed the game.

I’m changing the narrative.

The narrative that was previously playing in my head was that I would date and marry a woman who was super sharp and a little bit coy and clever and nuanced as well as completely loving and socially apt and beautiful and all that.

I basically thought it would be someone who was the same as I wanted ME to be.

But B is different. And her differences are a good complement to me. I believe that. I just couldn’t convince myself of that in the moment.

I prayed for help to love her when I was on the road the other day (I’ve been forced to pray a lot, and I’m seeing God answer prayers). I was pretty desperate. And maybe thirty minutes after my prayer a new narrative popped into my head.

It was almost like I knew two new characters and knew their dynamic like it were a TV show I had seen before. I immediately knew them in my head. Maybe this narrative, and these characters, and this dynamic between the two of them, it is out there in media somewhere.

But what I pictured was a different and new narrative about the dynamic between two people. And this is important I think: it was a narrative I was enamored by. Here it is.

I pictured a man who was serious and pensive and pretty intellectual. And then I saw the smile in the way he looked at his woman, who was a little bit ditzy, but phenomenal in the way she loved and was full of joy, and infinitely forgiving and patient and kind. He looked at her in admiration, smiling because her ditzyness was cute to him, and he knew the deep value she brought in every other area.

There was one other thing I added into this prescription (it is a prescription for myself because I told myself I would picture this narrative every time B said something that could sound ditzy). This other thing was to FORGIVE. If something seemed really dumb in what she said, and even if it was beyond ditzy, I would tell myself immediately, even shaping the word out with my tongue behind my smiling lips, “FORGIVE.” And when something bothered me, I said it to myself again. And I tried to feel it. And it seemed to disarm the power of the bothersome things and put me on a track of safety and happiness.

And so far, it has made for a few of the most beautiful and pure love I’ve felt for this woman yet. Well, this is how it feels when it’s good. I feel in love with her again. Even after 2.5 years of this.

Good luck,

R 3-16-21 (less than 2 months before our wedding).