Getting a house

I think I write in here mostly when things get hard. We have had some really good days like when I picked her up from the airport and the few days after. It was fun and I felt peace and we were so close and I was grateful.

But then days come that are difficult and right now I’ve had a string of like four or five dates and it feels like I don’t like her very much and I’m not sure if I love her in terms of “in love.”

She’s dear to me and I want the best for her and we are deeply bonded (which I know because of how much I cried after we broke up the first time) but it doesn’t feel like I’m marrying for love… maybe?

I talked to a friend who knew some people who got divorced after about three years because, my friend said, he didn’t really like her that much, he married her out of duty.

And then the other friend of mine who talked about his own divorce said that the new girl that he’s dating is so much easier to date. My relationship with B is not easy.

We figured out where we going to live and it’s a duplex right next-door to a girl that I think was interested in me a few years ago. I did not show interest but it is a little bit concerning. I’m pretty sure everything‘s OK now but it was a little scary thinking of getting a place where if B was gone and there’s a single girl next-door what that might become. I talked to my roommate about it and someone else and honestly the same thing could happen where ever you get a place, in fact a duplex is probably better than an apartment where there’s lots of people.

I brought it up to be before we went to the place and I told her our history and that I was not interested and she thought that it was OK. It did not concern her. But she said thank you very much for asking because if I did not tell her at the front side it would be concerning when she found out.

We had a really good time today walking through crate and barrel at the mall. We were envisioning what our bed might look like and the different textures of blankets and how to lay out a sofa with pillows it looks nice. I asked if we could speak mostly in Spanish because maybe I wouldn’t be triggered as much and it would keep my brain on good constructive things. And that was really fun. We got a lot of marriage things done today to like nail down the wedding planner and signed a contract with the photographer and the cake maker. We got some decorations for the table setting and found some more info about flowers.

End it feels OK getting all these things checked off the list and being her support as we do it together, but I just feel on these days constantly disappointed. We went to a Mexican market last night and everything she said bothered me from the moment we saw each other. I don’t know what to do about that.it was interesting that in the situation I was sweating profusely and I don’t know why besides I had a sweater and jacket on in this little mall but this is never happened before. She brought up a good point that maybe my mental shut downs are accompanied with her physical elements or may be caused by a physical element like temperature or maybe blood sugar or something.

My roommate is awesome because he’ll be truthful with me. He asked if we could have dinner last night so he could talk to me about something. He said that he really did think that I have OCD and probably ADHD as well. He said but it’s a lot more than just relationship OCD. He thinks that OCD explains a lot of my behaviors of the past 10 years that he’s known me. And especially now that we’re roommates.

He pointed out things that I do differently than other people and he said that OCD and partially the ADHD would explain a lot of why I do what I do.I have reasons for everything that I do and philosophy built behind it. And I just thought that I’d like to do things differently than people because I want to add new things to this world. But I sure hope that he has some accuracy to it because maybe it will lead me to more solutions.

I think that this could be helpful in the way that a person with OCD needs some things to be a certain way, maybe I need my fiancé to say things a certain way but nobody would say things a certain way. And if I have OCD if it varies at all from the way I feel like it should be I get concerned and bummed.

B has moments of insight that help me but other times as I describe things like where we are on a map or very simple logic I am usually or at least often disappointed. I think I assumed the worst of her sometimes because I’m already expecting I’ll be disappointed and maybe half of the things that I get disappointed by shouldn’t disappoint me. But I already have the fear and expectation.B has moments of insight that help me but other times as I describe things like where we are on a map or very simple logic I am usually or at least often disappointed. I think I assumed the worst of her sometimes because I’m already expecting I’ll be disappointed and maybe half of the things that I get disappointed by shouldn’t disappoint me. But I already have the fear and expectation.

I was looking at all of her pictures the other day and so many of them have stains on them from the way that I felt and I can almost remember the things that she said it made it that way. There are a few places where they aren’t solid bye memories. And there’s a lot of fun between those moments but it’s just sad to me that I look back and I see so much pain.

I want to be excited about and love my wife as I begin this process of marrying her. I’ve made a decision and moving forward but it’s so dang hard. If you have our OCD or understand the struggle and have some way to help me please help.

R, 1.5 months away from the wedding

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