Is it supposed to feel this wrong sometimes?

I just got done with small group with B. And since the moment I got there everything she said seem to shut me down or I feared was going to be something that would shut me down. She got her cute little goddaughter a balloon and an invitation that she couldn’t even open and couldn’t even read by herself to be our flower girl. I had already told her she’s wasting her time and she doesn’t have any time to waste with everything on her plate. So when she did it and even the others said the god daughter had no idea what was going on it just really made me feel disappointed in B. As I was alone, going to the bathroom I reflected on it and felt a little bit passive even though I was disappointed. I wasn’t going to let myself tank just because of that. But over dinner with our small group it just seemed the tone of everything she said made me think she just sounded totally dumb even if the content was OK the way she said it made me not trust her opinion at all.

Her friend asked if we could talk about engagement party and stuff and I was just so shut down that talking about that didn’t sound good to me at all. I already was disenchanted by the amount of parties they said we need to throw for this. An engagement party, a bridal shower, a bachelor party, a bachelorette party, and then of course the reception. I counted 6, I think. Some of them are just so that you can get gifts. And other ones, like two of them or just for the people who are going to the wedding anyway.

I also had to drive almost 2 hours in traffic to get to Small Group and then her friends which we drove all the way up there for disappeared to put the kids to sleep for like 30 or 40 minutes. We had only a little bit of discussion before it was time for us to go home so I was super frustrated. I had a headache from the car ride.

As we walked out the door B held my hand and held me close and tenderly said you were triggered in so many ways tonight weren’t you. I nodded and said a humble “yes, it was really hard.” She has so much compassion on me but the rest of the car ride home was a hard conversation.

I could barely look at her and I didn’t want to touch her. But I had her on my lap the whole time at the small group. And I reached for her hand for much of the time in the car and held it. she was quiet and wrote down some thoughts on her phone, maybe to bring up later. She said let’s table to conversation about wedding plans but if there’s anything you want to process we can. We talked about what happen tonight.

She said she’s not telling me about all the plans for the wedding we have to decide because she’s afraid I don’t have the capacity for it.

I told her I’m so sorry I get like this. I told her I’m scared it won’t get any easier and I will always be like this. I told her I feel like she’s adding too many things to her plate. She responded by saying you aren’t supporting my ministry. I said some days I just don’t feel very in this, only some moments I corrected. How she heard it was you don’t want to be in this. So when I realized she was only hearing the negatives I reminded her of the positives I had said too. I told her I wanted to be in this but sometimes I felt trapped. Like anxious attachment style people feel maybe. We said goodnight and I told her so love her and we’re in this. She cried but we kissed.

I called a friend and couldn’t get a hold of him on my way home. Then I called my brother who had to pay attention to his kids and call me back but when he did he was patient and helpful. He said these are triggers, not necessarily things that are wrong with her so there’s hope that you can change them. He said it may take time to get used to not thinking of breaking up as an option, now so give some grace to yourself. (I don’t think of breaking up as an option now but that’s partly why I feel trapped I suppose.) He said now you just choose to love and that sometimes helps things get better as well as just been what you should do.

Then my other friend tried to call me back but I couldn’t answer but it was nice that both of these people were there for me.

I called B again a few minutes later just to say I love you and I just wanted a reset tonight and wanted to see her. I wish her luck on her event she was throwing the next dayand talked about when we could hang out again together next. She wiped her eyes and we said goodbye.

R, 2-19-21

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