Doubt talking to her parents

I was to talk to her parents this evening. Spoiler alert: it happened and went well.

But this morning I woke up with the sinking feeling. I just felt like the truth is, I don’t like what she says about 40% of the time. By the end of the day I found myself thinking, this might be a big mistake. On the other side of this I’ll think, I knew this wasn’t going to workout.

But I wrote out what I was going to say to her parents to ask for their blessing over our Facetime tonight. It was about how I want to help her pursue her mission when she is sad I want to make her happy. When she is hungry I want to bring her food she loves. When she is sick I want to comfort her. On the normal days I want to bring her flowers to brighten them.

I sent it to my roommate to proofread my Spanish translation and he said it was the sweetest thing he’s ever read. And he’s the most well-read person I know. He gave me some grammar corrections reluctantly (he said the mistakes were endearing).

That made me feel a little bit better. I felt I wrote what I would say when I was feeling quite divided about the whole thing. I did mostly write what I truthfully felt though. I do often want to help her when she’s struggling. I do love her a lot.

I talked to my friend who has a pretty hard marriage. We check in every Monday. I asked him how he felt on the week leading up to his proposal. He said he felt all the emotions that he had felt throughout the whole dating process.

This encouraged me. I have felt some amazing highs, like the crying with happiness in the car to the superbowl. And the crying with sorrow picturing losing her like I saw in that short animated movie. But I’ve also had these times of fear.

I wish I just knew like some people just know. I wish I didn’t get disappointed and triggered about 40% of the time. I hope they can affect me less and less. I don’t know if this is a bad recipe for a marriage. This does feel like a risk. If someone were to say, promise me you won’t get a divorce, I would say, I don’t know if I can. We’ve had some really hard times and they say marriage can just get harder.

But I’m moving forward as a decision. Like my roommate says, “it’s not a matter of being certain. It’s a matter of resolution.”

The talk was beautiful. They said this was a very special day for them. Their sons help translate (her father doesn’t speak good english). Her mother said, you are an answer to prayer, when you say you want to be her comfort when she is sick and hungry.

I emphasized B wanted to make sure that I ask for the “blessing” of both her mother and father. I feel I should say that because if B every discovered this, she was adamant that I ask for blessing, not permission, and asked both her mother and father.

But I guess if she ever finds this, there is a lot more she’ll get mad that I’ve shared about. I hope I don’t actually say identifiable traits of us in this blog! I want to help anybody who has rOCD like me, so you can see someone else who struggles with it, and yet chooses to stay in the relationship.

In the end they said, we give you her hand. We were all crying happy tears and praying for each other.

R 2-9-21

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