Doubt and Proposal

So I bought a diamond and left them my mother’s setting in which to place the diamond. It’s crazy thinking that we still have terribly hard days and yet I’m still choosing to go forward.

My sinking feeling is that the truth might be that I just don’t like her that much. But some days I know I do. I just always imagined choosing who to marry I would be eager and it wouldn’t be confusing. I wouldn’t doubt if I had a crush on them. I wouldn’t shut down around her like almost half of the time.

Even knowing this I talked to her family for their blessing. I paid $1500 for the ring. I’m setting up an ornate proposal. I guess it made it easier that, even though we had a horrible Sunday, Monday was magical.

This is our story. Some days I shut down and I’m completely miserable. Other days it’s pretty rad. At least she’s not mean when I shut down.

It had been a really hard Sunday where she felt unsupported, even while her dad was in the hospital with COVID, because I was triggered and blaming her for saying things which I was “extremely bothered by.” But the day after she said, “I need to get out and do something fun. I need to buy a basket too so do you want to meet me at IKEA?”

She knows we usually have great days at IKEA. I love seeing her brilliance at interior design as she tells me what she likes and what she doesn’t. I feel like that suggestion was her fighting for our relationship again. She needed us to have a good day.

And it was so good. As soon as she got there, she still wouldn’t look at me directly for long. I held her, paused, and said, is there anything you want to talk about before we do this? She said “Hmmm, yes. Let’s go find a couch to sit and talk.”

She told me, “I was really bothered on the way over here thinking that keep track of how many bad days we’ve had. It feels defeating. I don’t understand if you have a reason for doing that.”

On Sunday I had told her, “I feel like we haven’t had but one good day in a couple weeks.”

I said, “I try to keep track a little bit so I can track what’s working and what’s not.” I recently had stopped recording them on an actual spreadsheet. She had asked me to stop tallying on that spreadsheet because she felt like she was being graded. I had found it really helpful so that I wouldn’t feel super defeated when it seemed like we had never had good days. I made sure that I would record the good days. I’d rank each date or convo on a scale from -5 to +5. (OCD much?)

She said, “Well, it doesn’t help me when you tell me how many bad days it’s been.”

I repeated back to her what I heard her saying, agreed with her and said okay.

She looked at me for the first time fully in the eyes. She looked so beautiful. I liked this version of B. Not the happily naive, but the cut and dry speak it as it is, tell me what you need B. She kissed me. I could see the life come back into her again. We were on a bed and I laid sideways on it and put my hand on my hip and other holding up my head like a seductive pose and she laughed.

We walked around IKEA and were very happy. We sat in Ikea and imagined what our future house would look like. “No way are we doing the suburbs!” “Yeah, me neither.”

She said she wanted some Mexican food from a place in her head that she couldnt’ remember the name of. And we drove around until we landed at one of our favorites instead. We fed each other off the same plate like a disgustingly cute couple. Then we went to Old Navy and she set me up with a whole new wardrobe. She had a clear vision and ran back and forth giving me things to try. We got me taken care of big time for $180.

She tried on some yoga pants and invited me into her dressing room. She let me watch her disrobe (nothing on underneath) and as she used me for her balance. She saw my smile and just shook her head and smiled too.

I hope she never sees this. She would be mortified.

I went and bought the ring today, thinking “This is crazy. Still about half of our dates I am miserable. But I’m going forward anyway. This is a choice. I cannot wait for my feelings to be consistent or I would never propose. This is a willful choice. It is knowing that it is VERY hard, but the good outweighs the bad.

There may be someone else out there who would trigger me less. But there might not be. It’s been this way with all the girls I’ve been in a serious relationship with. And some of them have been very good catches. And We’re in our forties so I don’t want to try again. I’m going forward.

As I waited for them to clean the ring at the ring shop I imagined giving her the ring and I was overwhelmed with joy because of how much joy I know that day will bring her.

I talked to her friend tonight to run things by her about how I would propose. And as I went to bed that night I thought about how crazy it all was. And I remembered our date on Monday and I was just overwhelmed with gratitude that I would get to have this woman who I loved part of the rest of my life.

So grateful.

This still all feels crazy 🙂

R.

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