After we got back together B asked me to talk to each of her siblings. I called them tonight.
I wasn’t feeling very into the relationship for most of today. I’m thinking sometimes I just don’t like her enough. That’s what haunted me today. I was at the coffee shop at which I plan to propose to her, planning it with the owners. As I was there I pictured what she would do and say if she were in conversations or situations with us. And today I didn’t like what I thought she would have said and how she would have said it.
But I have to tell myself that’s not fair. She wasn’t there, I can’t predict. And she is not meant to act like other people that I like, nor should I expect her to be comfortable in all those situations. And I know how much good she brings to my life, even if i DON’T like her all the time. I’m not choosing to be with her because of how often I like her (maybe I should be? Is that worth obsessing over?).
But you know what got me back on track? (Knowing I would have to talk to her siblings and wanting to sound confident I wanted to be back on track.) There’s this method I’ve been finding that really, really helps. I actively recall things I really like about her and I recall moments in which I really liked her. I’ve heard when you replay something or imagine it in your head your brain doesn’t know the difference between imagination and reality. That sounded stupid to me whenever I had heard it, but it really seems to be true! So I imagined how she is so strong and adult, while also being able to be so goofy and lighthearted. And some other moments.
However, I had started to stress again when it was time to talk to her family. More negative imaginings snuck in.
But I’ve just accepted that some days I won’t feel into it, but that shouldn’t change what I know is good. And it shouldn’t change what I have chosen after weighing everything. And that gives me permission to go into a call like that feeling so-so. Because I know that it doesn’t change my resolve. In fact at this point, I’m just assuming that I’ll feel uncertain when I propose to her, and probably on our wedding day. I usually get that way when there is stress. Unfortunately it seems to test out as true.
I was just planning on FaceTiming with a couple of her siblings, but they happened to be in the car with, or going to the house with the rest of them. So I ended up talking to all of them on this call. It was fun and edifying.
I told them I was getting ready to propose and wanted to answer any of their questions so they would feel comfortable giving me their blessing. They knew I was uncertain about it all along and B wanted me to talk to them to gain her trust in me again. So this was me attempting to do just that.
Her sister in law was on the call and said, “When you are ready to marry someone you just know. We knew we wanted to be married within six months of dating.”
I was thinking that wasn’t my experience at all. I have made a conscious decision that I will do this even though I don’t “know” much of the time.
But in the end they said they give me their blessing as long as this makes B happy. I assured them as far as I understand, it makes her very happy.
I am planning the proposal. The beauty of it made my cry. I told her family and her sister in law wiped away a tear afterward.
R, 1-19-21
Relationship-OCD 