Repentance

I just wrote about how when I got back together with B I went to a prayer room and it basically convinced me God wanted me to dive in and marry her. Well, fast forward 2 months and things have gotten hard again and I’ve started questioning things again.

She just says things that shut me down sometimes. They sound really dumb to me. And although she’s amazing in so many ways, sometimes she says enough that feel so disappointed that I question everything. Then B gave me a deadline. She said, “It’s been two years of dating and I’m in my 40’s. I need you to give me a final answer of if you’re in this or not by December 30th (that was about a month away).

Well, the other day I went to another prayer room (this pressure has forced me to find this place and there I’ve found more closeness to God than I have had in my life before!). Anyway, when I was there this guy came up to me with this scripture, Isaiah 52:11-12 and said, I don’t know what it means, but I feel like God gave me this scripture to give you.

“Depart, depart, go out from there!
    Touch no unclean thing!
Come out from it and be pure,
    you who carry the articles of the Lord’s house.
12 But you will not leave in haste
    or go in flight;
for the Lord will go before you,
    the God of Israel will be your rear guard.

So when B told me that if I wasn’t feeling pretty good about this that she didn’t want me to go home with her for Christmas. So about two weeks before that, I was really questioning things and had to tell her, I’m not confident enough to go home with you for Christmas.

This felt like a portent of the end to her and it was a really hard and disappointing moment for her. I told her what I would need to feel good about this would be a good chunk of great days to say yes. We said, it feels like we need a miracle to get to that yes place.

While sitting in that place of disappointment I said, “B, I don’t know why it seems like I’m getting mixed messages from God. I feel like I got that prayer about jumping in two months ago but I went to the prayer room the other day and got a scripture about leaving.” I read her the scripture. It seems to match pretty well, don’t leave in haste (wait until the 30th) and don’t touch any defiled thing (no hanky panky).

And after a few moments I said, I wonder if it’s because we’ve crossed sexual boundaries so much (no intercourse, just other sexual stuff). Maybe God was blessing this until we sinned.

We both knelt over the couch and prayed we were sorry. And that if crossing boundaries was at the expense of losing this relationship, we did not want that.

This led into a short season of prayer where we both saw visions and found symbolism of what God might be trying to say to each other and to us cummulatively.

I’ll write about that in the next post entitled “God: I will not take your ring from you.”

-January 6, 2021

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