I was doing okay today. We planned out our mornings so we each did our quiet time separately, did some exercise, watched a sermon together and really had a good discussion about a scripture from the sermon.
We watched a show a friend had suggested to us (Virgin River) and I made relentless fun of how corny and lacking of subtlety it was. She made us grilled cheese with avocados inside and we started to watch Avatar. I was doing okay, despite just noticing that the way she said things just bugged me. They sounded dumb to me, though they probably weren’t technically dumb things.
About 1/3 into the movie she asked if we could stop it and asked, “Wait, so if the blue creatures are on that planet, where are the humans? A different planet or something?”
As her question came together disappointment and “are you serious” coalesced on my face. “B, I’m a little concerned you don’t know this. There are like five things they’ve shown us that should tell you they’re on the same planet.” And I listed them off. “This is really hard for me. If you don’t get that when they’ve given us so many clues, I just don’t know what else you don’t understand. And when I hear a tone of voice that sounds so naive when you’re talking to people I start to believe you really don’t understand very much and I feel like there’s a big mismatch here.”
She was obviously hurt, and I humbly admitted this was not kind, but extremely disappointed me and did she want me to hide my feelings? She said, I know authenticity is big for you and so I want you to tell me your feelings but you could do it in a kinder way.
I said, yes I could. But then said, “I just feel like there is no recognition or desire to remorse when I tell you these that really concern me. I just hear that you think I’m triggered and it seems like it’s all my fault. When you told me the ways I missed very obvious things when trying to help you in the kitchen the other day I was very concerned that I had memory problems and wanted to find ways to not miss those things in the future. But I feel like when I express what bothers me you don’t even offer to try to change.”
I wanted to find a blog that showed someone’s thoughts like this but couldn’t find one. So here I present my episodes with rOCD, so you can get an idea of how you are probably being ridiculous by seeing how I am acting ridiculous.
Dear God, give us help.